This is gonna be my new ritual. I like lists. I like me. And yes, you can decide if what I’ll tell you is fun, frightening, or phenomenal. (I wanted another legit “F” word… but none applied well… not even THE “F” word.)
See? I’m an exciting individual. It’s like a choose your own adventure book. Ever read those? I could never decide if I was really into them or if they were remarkably asinine. Either way, I am sure it’s nowhere near easy to create those. (That’s a free thought/fact.)
Here we go:
1) I am a compulsive list maker.
…did you require more proof than this post? My college notebooks were mostly just a glorified place to write lists.
2) My day is better when Karl Lagerfeld tweets.
3) Last night I dreamt I accidentally deleted all the texts saved in my inbox. I was truly distressed, both awake and sleeping.
…it made me wonder… Do I hold onto possessions—even electronic possessions—too tightly? I wish you could frame important text messages and hang them on the wall.
4) Andrew Jackson was always my favorite President to study.
… yeah, I know. There’s that whole Trail of Tears thing. Sometimes I think Jackson—like Sylvia Plath or Joseph Conrad—was a misunderstood victim of his time. It makes me wonder how we’ll be viewed…
5) I am such a fan of Faulkner that I refer to him as “the love of my life.
…this is, of course, a joke. I’ve been told not to do that by a friend of mine. He says it says too much about me. But… nothing untrue. Maybe it doesn’t sound like a joke when I say it.
6) I am pale—very pale—and OK with it.
…that’s simeltanously pale and OK with it. If you are not OK with my fairness, that’s too bad. And why do people tell me as though I have no idea. I got a mirror, you know. Let me live! A hundred years ago I’d-a-been chic as hell.
7) I like wooden floors. I really like wooden floors that creak a little.
…I realize this is a bit strange. But I like to know the floors are working too. I like to know someone has been here before.
OK… that’s enough about me until next time. What about you?
A DOZEN facts about me for today, Friday, February 25, 2011:
1) I uttered this phrase this week: “Oh good; my graphic novels are here.”
· …who am I?
· I kinda dig it.
· I would make a pilgrimage to Neil Gaiman’s dry cleaner just to have been so close.
2) I think shapewear is one of the greatest inventions of modern man.
3) My favorite part of my day-job is printing envelopes from my envelope tray.
4) My least favorite part of my day-job is when I have a technological glitch, thus disabling my ability to print envelopes from my envelope tray.
5) I live in fear of the typewriter.
6) If they have that show “Snapped” on DVD, you can buy it for me for my birthday.
7) I’m unsure from where my visceral reaction to Hemingway springs.
· Is it because I’ve gotten enough machine-gunning from the military personnel in my life?
· Is it because reading Faulkner was always glossed over and pushed to the side for the more canon-friendly Hemingway? Do I feel as though I must choose between them? And if you do not know I would CHOOSE FAULKNER ANY SODDING DAY, than you haven’t been paying attention.
· Is it because I breeze through Hemingway, set it down, and think, “Well… that was pleasant reading.” That, by the way, is not a compliment. Does everything need to stretch my mental faculties like a birkram yoga instructor does the flesh?
8) I am, conversely, ever conscious of where my disdain to Whitman lies.
· Did you know that apparently a pre-req to an undergrad English degree means knowing “Song of Myself” at a creepy, inappropriate, intimate level.
· See also: Leaves of Grass.
· See also: nobody ever wants to talk about his equal opposite: Emerson.
· See also: Senior year, I vowed to drop the major if either Whitman piece were assigned one more time.
9) Do I know what literary movement in which we are currently residing?
· Is that something always named after the fact? This would make sense.
· Someone tried to sell me on us being in “Contemporary Literature”—uh… isn’t this a relative, mobile, catch-all-of-the-last-30-years-from-where-you-stand title?
· Maybe don’t answer me: I like surprises.
10) I counted: I use more face products (discluding makeup) than hair products.
· Am I doing this right?
· I just don’t like to put much in my hair, OK?
· I can’t believe there was a time toner & primer weren’t part of my life.
· I sound like a paint store if you don’t know what I’m talking about.
· I do have four different shampoos—each used based on a number of factors.
· Stop this conversation, Laura.
11) I have awaken myself at times unhealthy for me just to watch the English Premier League.
· Sorry, sleep deprived self.
· I didn’t drink any alcohol at those times though. Is this maybe a small consolation prize, self?
12) I have, in my life, planned my sleep schedule around the televised schedule of important Tennis tournaments.
· It could have been for more ridiculous things.
· It was the summer and I was 17.
· I have done worse things at 4 a.m. than wake up to watch Wimbeldon coverage.
Oh hi there. Time to talk about me some more? Oh gee, well if you insist. But let’s incorporate something I’m not always good with: brevity. We’re going to call this, “Friday Fun Facts: The One-Liners Edition.” GO!
· When I was 8, my dad said I looked just like Tonya Harding when I wore my favorite pair of heart-shaped sunglasses—I never wore those sunglasses again.
· Depth-perception and space relation are not strong suits of mine.
· When I’m sad, I just want to slow dance to the live version of Hootie & the Blowfish “Let Her Cry”—what does this say about me?
· The first time I saw my little brother after he was born, I declared, “He’s gonna be a comedian,” which has been a kind of sister-fulfilling prophecy, but in a Steven Wright kinda way; I was a dark four-year-old.
· The “Power of Suggestion” has a strong hold on me: do not tell me it’s unbearably hot in here, you feel unwell, or everyone seems to be having technical problems with their computer.
· I would like us to collectively decide as a culture that we will once again start going out in hats, carrying parasols (though, not frilly ones), and wearing driving gloves, thank you.
· If at all possible, I need you to ask a salesperson where something is if I cannot find it at a store—asking makes me extremely anxious, therefore I will probably hide around the corner looking at other things while you ask, but I do appreciate you asking.
· I do not like to iron; I do not like wrinkled clothes. There is no easy solution or single sentence here.
And yes, for those of you playing along at home, I am absolutely aware of the narcissism radiating out of me and this blog like blue light from Dr. Manhattan. (That’s right: I made a graphic novel reference. Nerds love me.) Dig it. Let’s talk about me for a minute, and then we can move onto you.
1. I am allergic to eucalyptus—which sounds like the strangest allergy ever, right? The only times it really becomes an issue is with cough drops and floral arrangements. So if you or someone you know is going to send me flowers, nix the eucalyptus.
2. I am fairly sure the above statement is why I had such an interest in koala bears for a long time. I’m very interested by people who can do things I cannot. Example: invent mechanical things, pair wines with food, balance a checkbook. Koalas can sustain off something my body rejects. Very interesting.
3. I am also allergic to raspberries. No other berries, just raspberries. They taste like burning, I break into hives, and my whole world itches. Do not tell me how much I’m missing out on—it really does not feel this way.
4. I obsessively read CNN’s website almost everyday. I’m not sure why of all news cites I have chosen this one, but I have. Maybe it feels accessible. I’m not sure I can back up that statement. But I do scroll through the “view all stories”—read, read, read, new!
5. I get angry when I go to show somebody something in a story I read on CNN.com, and the story has been updated and/or changed. I search perilously for the single sentence that made me want to share, as though it will appear somewhere in the corner.
6. I feel as though I’m squirreling away the used books I’ve recently bought. It’s like I don’t want anyone to see them and know the rate at which I am so rapidly and cheaply acquiring second-hand, mostly brilliant, books. Isn’t this slightly indicative of a problem?
7. I’m actually trying to ask people more about themselves. It had only recently occurred to me that I don’t do this. And it’s not that I’m not interested. I very much like to talk to other people about themselves—it just doesn’t occur to me to ask. I guess I have a mindset that people will just tell me what they want me to know. I do.
8. I am not good at small talk.
So… now… what about you? Tell me stuff; I’d like to know.
Have I mentioned that it’s one of my favorite times of the year, just behind fa-la-la-la Christmas (and my birthday goes somewhere in there). Now, while my love of March Madness is not a direct correlation with my love of Duke basketball, there are some definitely commonalities. Today, I would like to share with you a few facts about me and the tournament (and Duke).
1) I am a Duke fan for the reason most people in my age range are Duke fans (unless it’s a family thing, or they’re alumni). I can tell you in a handful of fragmented sentences: 1992. The Spectrum. Christian Laettner. Buzzer shot. Swish.
2) You know that “If you could ask anyone living or dead to a dinner party” question? I would put Coach K next to me. Faulkner sits across from me, Zelda Sayre Fitzgerald and F. Scott Fitzgerald on the other side, and Empress Theodora at the end of the table so i can keep an eye on her.
3) I don’t like the TV coverage from the first weekend of March Madness. I fell like I’m on a plane with a sickening amount of turbulence. This game, that game, this game, next game. Ahh. Am I watching security cams at the mall? It’s disjointed. They’re trying to do something good—show everybody—but I just get seasick. I will vow not to watch any. I will probably be unable to switch it off for about two hours, complaining the entire time.
4) I get so antsy to do my bracket. On Sunday, I gasped slightly when I woke up and eeked out, “It’s Selection Sunday.” My dog couldn’t have cared less, glared at me, and put her head back down.
5) Unlike most people seem to be doing, I can’t dog BYU for kicking Davies off the team. I mean, yes, at most colleges an “honor code” is not going to stay intact until the ink dries. But it wasn’t a surprise. He knew what going to BYU entailed. No one changed the rules halfway through the season and enforced codes not agrees on by all parties before hand. Also, in a society where we frequently complain about celebrities getting away with crimes and stellar athletes skating through college, not held to the same expectations as the rest of the student body; I really have to admire BYU to sticking with their line. No excuses. No flaking. They mean what they mean; some things are more important than winning. That being said, I think the example is remarkably difficult to live up to, and most of us (including me) would fall short. I’m pretty sure that’s the point. Well, I forgive him…for whatever that’s worth.
6) I love Duke. There it is, simply: I love Duke. No, I’m not really sure if there’s a second title coming, like 1991/1992. It’s an easier bracket, but I’m unsure. I can say this because I am a mature fan and a thorough fan. No matter stats, records, ACC competition, or lack thereof. I will continue to love Duke. If they lost every game between now and Doomsday, I will still love Duke (but they won’t). So however they do, it’s OK with me. Then again, I didn’t think they’d go past Final 4 last year (and I was being generous).
7) I’m having a really hard time reconciling in my head that the same Kanye West song is being used to promote both network coverage of the tournament and the new Bradley Cooper/Robert DeNiro flick “Limitless”. I keep waiting for cross promotion based on the double usage of the track… please don’t let that happen.
1) Traditionally, I go to the most amazing show I can find in close proximity to my birthday (about 7 or 8 weeks in either direction). I have less than a month until my actual birthday, and all I know is Elvis Costello is in Philly for more than I feel like paying in May.
2) Don’t get all hateful on me, just think about it: I would like to be Ryan Seacrest’s interns for one day. I’d like to do it for a week—but I don’t think I could keep up.
3) The radio station plays “Tiny Dancer” at least three afternoons a week at work. Sorry, Elton, but it just makes me want to watch “Almost Famous” every time. Even if I owned the DVD, I would probably still forget before I got home.
4) I listen to Jakob Dylan (solo, or the Wallflowers) every day.
5) I listen to Neko Case most days.
6) Neko Case (and Kelly Hogan, who is also rad) sang back-up on Jakob Dylan’s last album. (That’s when you know you’re big time, I’m pretty sure.) I went to a show at the Keswick Theater for the tour of this album (for my birthday last year… it all ties together). Do I need to explain further how great of a moment in my life this was? If I do, I have some amazing stories for you.
7) The Keswick is a great theater to see any show you want to be close to. I wouldn’t drag any elaborate, pyrotechnic show in there. But Jakob Dylan, Ani DeFranco, the Blind Boys of Alabama, Edward Sharpe, good stand-up—phenomenal. The acoustics are stellar. The building’s interior is somehow beautiful, early-20th century and laid-back simultaneously. The town it’s in is an experience to have also. If you want to go, I’ll go with you.
8) I cannot wrap my head around that Bob Marley line, “One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.” I think it’s a great, moving, wonderful line… but I’m a synesthetes. Once music (or any sensory experience) hits me, I feel everything.
9) I got into a fistfight at a Blondie concert. Am I proud or embarrassed?
It’s baseball season. Finally. This post has nothing to do with baseball excapt that “hitters” is in the title. So, as though you didn’t already know how this goes, here’s some facts:
1) Usually in the last week of the month I plan a graphic novel, an academic books, and an Agatha Christie book among my reading. It’s like a cranial balancing act.
2) I rarely ever want meat until I can’t have it due to my personal religious obligations. I am not supposed to complain about this. I would call the first statement under this number “observing” not “complaining”.
3) I wish I could write here about significantly more important things… but the ability to reign it in and get it typed out escapes me.
4) Frequently, my fiction is about bigger things than the words on the page.
5) Frequently, one of my hands is ice cold and the other is pleasantly warm. It’s not uniform which hand is which.
6) I am happy Jason Varitek is still playing.
7) Yes, I’m a big liar. That last fact is about baseball. Let’s chalk it up to April Fool’s. That’s all the lying I did here though.
8) I would appreciate it if you could tell me a story about why it’s called “April Fool’s Day”.
No intro. Full blast on:
1) I am not 100% sure what a “futurist” is, but I wish I was one just so I could write it on my tax return.
2) I haven’t filed my taxes yet.
3) Once, in middle school, I accidentally put the wrong name on a standardized test. It’s a long story how that happened. The reprecussion is a longer story.
4) My birthday is this coming Wednesday. I always read a Faulkner book on my birthday. This year it’s slated to be Sanctuary. The fervent excitement I have about all this is just a reminder about how nerdy and quirky I truly am.
5) In the biography I have been reading about Zelda Sayre Fitzgerald (which is fascinating, though poorly written), I have learned that Faulkner’s Sanctuary was one of the books she most admired. This combination caused some chest pains for me—chest pains of happiness.
6) This weekend I am making it my mission to find the perfect, chic trench coat. File this also under “quirky”.
7) Though I adore Aliya-Jasmine on “1 Girl 5 Gays”, sometimes I wish she’d just be sick for one episode so I could guest host. The only problem is, there are way more than 5 members of the cast I’d hope were on the panel that day.
8) The Redsox current 0-5 standing doesn’t make me nervous. However, Sportscenter’s relentless discussion about how the Redsox are 0-5 does make me anxious.
9) Sometimes I just like to say “sonoffabitch” for no reason. I try not to do this when people are listening.
10) Someone I worked with (but don’t anymore, cuz he got fired) said to me, “No offense, but sometimes you don’t look too happy.” It was a serious struggle of will power not to respond, “That’s cuz you creep me out.”
NOTE: This was written while the Sox/Yankees game was in progress.
Wednesday was my birthday. I have been neglecting this blog. Those two facts are partially related. But here I am, blogging. And since we just experienced my 25th birthday, let’s have my Friday Facts revisit some brief anecdotes from the other birthdays of the past quarter century.
0) I just found out that my mother was in labor for more than 24 hours before I was born. She always said it was an easy labor; she was in the delivery room for 20 minutes. She neglected to tell me about the 24 hours previous where she was in labor and it was just “annoying” not “painful”. Oh, I don’t think I am created for this. She went to dinner. She strolled up and down the hallway. And meanwhile, she’s just working on having a baby. Hardcore, Mom.
1) My first word was “puppy”. Yes, even then I loved my puppy. Of course, it was a different rescue puppy, but no less lovable than the current one. Therefore, for my birthday, my mom made me a puppy cake. Somewhere there is a picture. Not here, though.
15) I was thrown a surprise party by my friends, that wasn’t so surprising. They kinda let it slip several times and then acted like I didn’t pick up on it. To further it, my mother had a work emergency and couldn’t take me to whatever rouse they had figured out to get me to my friend Kim’s house. When I called Kim she said, “Oh I know you know, I’ll send my sister’s boyfriend to come get you.” Incidentally, I had a total crush on her sister’s boyfriend. He didn’t know it was my birthday, when I got in the car he said, “I don’t know what’s going on over there, but I think it’s someone’s birthday or something, any idea?” To make up for not knowing, he did the strangest dance for me. I think I stopped liking him then.
16) I did not have a Sweet 16. It wasn’t in the cards financially. At the time it didn’t really bother me. I wasn’t the sweet princess type then. I’m not bitter about it now, though I do expect to throw myself a sweet 26 next year. Also, I was devastatingly ill. My auto-immune disease had not been caught yet. So, big dresses and djs were not high on my priority list.
21) This was a month long party. One day we’ll talk about it. Too much birthday.
22) My birthday was a Sunday. I came home from college for most of the weekend, expecting to go back on Sunday evening for a joint party for my friend and I who shared a mutual birthday. However, just as I was getting ready for family lunch, something went crazy. If you watch Breaking Bad, you’ll understand this… but nobody was doing anything with meth. Or brain tumors. My mother has Global Transient Amnesia. I’m no good at explaining it: google it. But, she has an “episode” and had no idea where she was. The day unfolded in hilarity (at the time it wasn’t so funny though), and if we hang out I will tell you the story, and you will laugh. Needless to say, I didn’t get to the party. However, my friends called me from the party they had anyway. They thought it would cheer me up. It made me sad. They tried.
24) Because apparently I was trying to relive my glory days, I got wasted and became a hot mess. This convinced me to take it easy from now on. No one wants their friend yelling, “I don’t even know who you are! You’re a different person!” at them on the dance floor after about this age. (Probably earlier.)
1) I put my hair back in what is commonly referred to by people in my life as “the-twist-and-swoop”. I do it while my hair is still wet. I get compliments. I get asked how to do it by drive thru attendants, customers, random people on the street. I really just want to tell them the truth: “This means I was tired, late, or lazy and didn’t have the time or energy to blow dry or apply much effort.”
2) I started doing this early 60s high-waist pencil skirt with a belt thing a few years ago, because I have an inexplicable body type and it looked good. Then MadMen happened, everyone picked up the style, and BAM: I’m fashionable. I’m not begrudging anyone for stealing my thunder. In fact, I’m happy this look is popular and readily available. I’m planning on stocking up to outfit myself for the next 40 years.
3) I think my vintage styling, however, might be a cry for help. It’s almost getting out of control. It’s not just my dress-up work clothes, or my imaginary shopping online. It’s when I’m dressed down too. It’s invading my undergarment drawer. All the handwashing is becoming quite time consuming. I actually said aloud a few weeks ago, “Where’s the cardigan section?” I’m an old lady with a band new old school trench coat stuck with a 1920s pin. Here’s the problem: is my love of post-modern lit going to my head? Yes, all I want—well, not all, but at least a significant longing—in life is to be friends with Faulkner, Capote, Betty Smith, etc. I feel like soon I’m just going to be dressed perfectly enough to crawl into a portal somewhere. I’m maybe about to be a Jonathan Lethem book. (If you do not get this reference, please see me for further reading material.)
4) I wear skirts and dresses much more frequently than pants. I don’t think of it as “dressed up.” I think of it as more comfortable, and yes, more flattering. Pants and I are usually at a struggle to find each other.
5) I wore stretch pants regularly all the way through 5th grade. This is a dark secret and admission. I was so close to being frumpzilla, wasn’t I?
6) Sometimes the only way I can convince myself to go to work Saturday night is to put on a ton of eye makeup. I like eye makeup. I inevitably regret this decision when it comes time to take it off at night and I am too tired/tipsy.
7) I love high heels. I think high heels are staging mental war against me. Most days I’m too afraid to wear them through Job #1, knowing I have to run around all night at Job #2 (even though Job #2 does happen in restaurant shoes aka glorified sneakers). Sometimes I have to hostess, and I upgrade to heels at the restaurant. I have taken to wearing flats most of the time. Who would have guess it would become very fashionable and get me called “cute”?
8) I’m just totally ruining the delusion that I’m put together. It’s all good.