Aristotle.
Dear Pain-fest,
Die. Die slowly, the way you make my muscles feel.
Oh golly good gracious. Why is it that I decided to embark on this journey with you? What part of me decided it was a good idea to wake up with the sun and do a muscle-killing, tear-inducing, hunger-making workout before I go to my dual jobs and work for 14 hours? Oh, it must have been the skinny-girl, concerned-with-her-health part of me…THAT’S why I didn’t recognize it.
I don’t think I’ve ever said, “Absolutely not” some many times before 7:30 in the morning before the 2 1/2 weeks I’ve been bootcamping with you. Wait, what? I have 5 1/2 more to go? How ever will I do it? I’m only on level 3 of 8?! What else do you have in store for me?!!!!!
OK, I admit it: that was way too many exclamation points.
I don’t know why I did this. I have no idea why I did this. Except that…well, miraculously, I am more lean muscle than before (yes, this is the eloquent way in which I choose to describe this process). My jeans don’t fit anymore—which is both awesome, and a strain on my budget. Well, nothing comes without sacrifice, I suppose, and sometimes the sacrifice is financial.
Oh wait, I’m also sacrificing my time and my comfort. Wah, wah, wah. Now I do things like look forward to running, drink skim milk, and sleep well. What is happening to me? Why is this my life? Am I still a writer, still an artist? You know, we’re not known to make the best decisions about a healthful lifestyle. Is this going to affect my performance? I hope not. Maybe the increased toning and circulatory system will help my ideas get around my body to my head faster. That makes perfect, logical, scientific sense.
Now, about the remainder of this workout: could you take it a little easier on me? Could you not make my want to cry and give up 45 seconds before the workout is over?
No? You can’t? Every second of the next 5 1/2 weeks is going to be painfully intense until I think my muscles are simply going to walk off of my body and spend the day at an all-you-can-eat buffet and day spa? Oh, OK. Oh well, what can I do?
Oh, you say I’d be dropping even more weight if I was eating a little better?
I’m shocked, now that’s something to consider. I’ll get back to you.
Ever Thinnly Yours,
Laura
Emil Ludwig.
There’s this pair of sandals I want. I saw them—on clearance, mind you—when I was at the shoe store buying new shoes for my restaurant gig. Those, the restaurant shoes, are a necessity. They no longer offer any support (and I’m not talking emotionally, though they don’t do that either), and have left me whining in pain on the floor after several busy nights lately. So, this whole thing didn’t start completely frivolously.
The thing is, I went in there with a budget. Based on years of having to buy shoes to wear at a restraurant, I knew I could expect to spend X amount. Yet, the ones I decided had all the necessary requirements were also drastically on sale. And while I suppose I should have just been overjoyed at my finnancial fortune…err, good luck…I wandered about the store instead. See, I, like many people—not just women—love shoes. And when my shoe budget was not exhausted, things did not feel balanced in the Universe. So, I perused.
Really, I probably found a half-dozen pairs I direly wanted to own and wear and gaze at lovingly in my closet. One of these pair was the aforementioned sandals. Now, these would have put me 10 bucks over budget, which probably made me analyze all the more. Me, I’m not frugal, but I do like to get the most bang for my buck. I don’t want to buy just to buy. I want to buy because I am so fond of the item my palms sweat. (Yes, I am a material girl and this is a…whole week with references to Madonna.)
But that’s just me.
Therefore, I looked closer at the sandals.
Truly, they looked solid, well made, sturdy. This is important in a shoe you could potentially be spending a significant portion of time in. This is not always the case for my shoes. I suppose I would refer to them as “walking sandals.” They still had a lot of strappy stuff going on, but they had a reasonable sole and a good back. You’re not going to simply step out of them strolling down Main Street some beautiful summer evening during a large festival (this is me seeing how applicable said shoes are to my life). And, I am planning to go several places in warmer weather that will require a good deal of walking…do I really want to be cooped up in sneakers? See: I know myself so well.
Really, I was almost prepared to just need to dole out the extra $10, and then, a thought struck me…are these…old lady sandals?
Are these what mothers will be donning while waiting in ballet dance studios and on the sidelines of soccer matches? Will a lady somewhere be rocking these on her feet beneath her fanny pack and Mom-jeans at tours of man-made National monuments and/or grand natural wonders? Will these be the hot trend at new PTA meetings in September? (Don’t get it twisted, eventually I want to participate in all these things—well, except the fanny pack and definitely the Mom-jeans—but do not rush me, footwear!)
Basically, is an elderly female relative or yours or mine going to show up at our Memorial Day BBQ in these? I mean, I’m sure she’ll look great—they’re great sandals—but it makes me feel as thought I will not. And probably should not.
I couldn’t decide. I panicked. I thought maybe my blood sugar was too low and my mind was too focused on shoes of function for this kind of reasoning. I put them down.
Then, of course, I bought a pair of black Vans slip-ons that kept my $15 under budget. Naturally with this purchase, I sent a text to my younger brother asking if I am too old for Vans slip-ons.
File all of this under #whitegirlproblems.
Here’s something annoying. I don’t know how this was misplaced. And it’s so annoying that I want to tell you that it’s annoying more than once. It’s still worth posting anyway, I’ve decided. I was an operative for The Safety Pin Review a month ago, and next week my work is going to be displayed. I’m excited. I’m, well, annoyed that we haven’t been able to discuss this sooner. You should still check this out. There’s amazing stuff going on. I was operative in Issue 15; my work will be Issue 20.
If you didn’t know about The Safety Pin Review, now is the time to find out. Basic idea? Write a story in 40 words or less. Submit it. If it’s accepted, the editor (Simon Jacobs) paints the story onto a black square of fabric. Then an operative—someone separate from the writer, who probably doesn’t know the writer or live close at all—walks around town with the story on their back for a week, taking pictures. It’s a double literary hit: you get it on the internet, and people in the street not even looking for it get it. Rad.
This week, I am the operative. I’ve got quite a powerful little story on my back (woah, deep). I will be the writer side of the review sometime in February, so if you like it just wait for more.
I encourage your participation in this in whatever way you can/want.
Now: click this picture, friendos. (And P.S. HUGE thanks to my very patient boyfriend for following me around with a camera all week and being very patient about it because he’s very patient…except of course where he and some of his tattoos get caught in part of a pick during our dinner date.)
Oscar Wilde.